What to Look for When Choosing Your Chosen Family

For many of us in the LGBTQ+ community, the idea of “chosen family” holds deep meaning. Whether you’ve experienced rejection from your biological family, or you’re simply looking for a support system that truly understands and accepts you, choosing your chosen family can be a powerful and healing step in building a life that feels safe, supportive, and fulfilling.

How do You Actually Decide?

But what should you look for when finding those individuals who will make up your chosen family? Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Shared Values and Mutual Respect

One of the first things to consider when choosing your chosen family is whether you share core values and whether mutual respect exists in the relationship. Do the people you surround yourself with respect your identity and experiences, or do they constantly question or invalidate them? Do they share values around things like trust, honesty, and boundaries?

Ask yourself: “Do I feel seen and valued by this person, and do we have a foundation of mutual respect?”

Emotional Support and Understanding

Your chosen family should be made up of people who are there for you emotionally. They should be able to offer a listening ear and be present for you during both the highs and lows of life. Whether you’re celebrating a win or working through a challenge, these individuals should offer you emotional support without judgment or conditions.

Ask yourself: “Can I talk to this person about my feelings and struggles without fear of being judged or dismissed?”

Safe Spaces and Boundaries

Healthy chosen families allow for safe spaces where you can express yourself freely. This means respecting boundaries, understanding personal space, and making sure that the relationship is balanced. It’s important that you feel comfortable setting boundaries within these relationships, and that those boundaries are honored.

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and comfortable setting boundaries with this person? Do they respect my needs without pushing back?”

Acceptance and Inclusivity

Chosen families should accept you fully, without trying to change or minimize who you are. They should be inclusive of all parts of your identity—whether it’s your gender, sexual orientation, cultural background, or interests. If someone isn’t fully embracing you for who you are, they might not be the best fit for your chosen family.

Ask yourself: “Does this person accept and celebrate me as I am, or do they try to change or minimize aspects of my identity?”

Long-Term Trust and Reliability

While friendships may ebb and flow over time, it’s essential to know that your chosen family members are there for the long haul. Can you trust them to be there when you need them, even in difficult times? Building trust takes time, but it’s crucial that you feel confident in their reliability.

Ask yourself: “Can I trust this person to be there for me consistently, and can I rely on them when life gets tough?”

Creating a Chosen Family for the Long Term

Choosing your LGTBTQ+ chosen family is a personal and powerful journey. You deserve relationships that bring joy, understanding, and support into your life. Take your time, set clear boundaries, and remember that the family you choose should uplift and empower you.

Ask yourself: “Am I building relationships with people who will be there for me in the long run, and are we helping each other grow?”

Finding your chosen family is about creating the support system you deserve, one that’s built on love, respect, and genuine care.